Second Best
by Tinkk
Summary: *SERIOUS SPOILERS* During New Moon, right after Bella's cliff diving. Things go further with Bella & Jacob, & it's Edward that returns, not Alice, trying to win Bella back, only to find she's lost her virginity to Jacob. Only read if you've read New Moon
1. A Series of Unfortunate Mistakes

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Twilight series, nor any of these characters, unfortunately. They are from the genius that is Stephenie Meyer. The first two paragraphs are taken straight out of New Moon to set the scene, the rest is just an idea I had that got out of hand.

_Jacob was back in seconds. He threw a pile of gray cotton at me. "These will be huge on you, but it's the best I've got. I'll, er, step outside so you can change,"_

"_Don't go anywhere. I'm too tired to move yet. Just stay with me."_

Jake looked at me, puckering his mouth to the side like he was in thought. He nodded once and turned away, hesitating for a moment before sitting with his back against the couch. I bit my lip and contemplated his russet skinned back, so toned and beautiful. He was my best friend, but I pushed that to the side for a moment and placed myself in an alternative universe, where I wasn't Bella Swan, lost and broken, and he wasn't Jacob Black, my best friend who would always want what I would never be able to give him … would I? In this alternative universe, he was just some guy called Jake, and I was some girl called Bella, both perfectly ordinary. Not that I wasn't anyway. I pushed that from my head and focused. What if I could give him what I wanted? It wouldn't be the same as with - I couldn't think his name - but it could still be nice. Jacob was my sunshine, he made me whole. I loved him. I knew that much, and as I slid off my wet clothes and put on his huge dry ones, I considered what it would be like to have him hold me, and love me, and, kiss me. It was only then that I shivered and realised how cold I was still.

Jake dared a glance at me, realising that I must have been changed by now. He got up and pulled me towards the couch, and lay me down on it gently. My lids felt so heavy, and yet I wanted to stay awake, to … experiment. I wanted to try and be this alternative Bella. To see just how whole I could feel. Jacob was hovering over me, being my radiator, my sunshine, watching me closely, studying my eyes. I smiled weakly at him.

"Thank you." I whispered. He smiled a little.

"For what?"

"For just being you." I sat up and wrapped my arms around him, nestling my cheek into his neck. He instantly wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. Neither of us said anything, we were both contemplating the day. I felt so selfish for jumping off the cliff, not that I'd had any idea that Harry Clearwater had died … or that _she _had been there. I forced myself to think of her. Victoria. The red-haired vampire with a vendetta against me. I shuddered, and closed my eyes tight to fight back tears. I needed to be strong for Jacob, who had been my rock, my sunshine, my world for so long now. And he needed me too. Goosebumps raised on my arms and the back of my neck as I realised just how close we were. All I had to do if I wanted to attempt the alternative universe Jacob and Bella would be to move my head slightly to the left and kiss him. I probably wouldn't even need to do that, just the right angle and I felt sure that he would take the lead.

Jacob ran his fingers through my tangled and still-damp hair, and out of nowhere, a tingle shot down my spine. I gasped, and Jacob instantly dropped his arms from around me, thinking he was taking things too far, as usual.

"I'm sorry -" He began to say, but I put a finger to his mouth, needing a second to compose my thoughts.

"No, it wasn't like that, Jake, it was …" I bit my lip and thought, as Jacob searched my face, clearly trying to understand. "It was nice." He laughed my favourite laugh and pulled me towards him again, but this time under his arm, back to my best friend, all sense of romance gone. I was surprised to realise that I was disappointed. Part of me knew it was wrong, but I still couldn't help but twist myself around to be facing him again. He looked at me surprised, and I coiled one hand up to the back of his head, curling my fingers around his short dark hair. I knew that I was sending out ambiguous signals, but I was still trying to work things out in my head. Now or never.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself so our chests were level, and leaned in closer, staring into his eyes. He took my face in his hands and held me back for a second.

"Bella -" He began to say, but I cut him off, closed my eyes, and pressed my lips gently against his.


	2. Different Kinds of Love

***A/N - I just thought I should point out (before any one else does) about the fact that Bella & Jake wouldn't technically know that Harry had died yet, if I'd followed the true New Moon story, but it just makes this part a bit easier for me. Also, this chapter is where the smut is at, but I promise plenty of action and drama later, hang in there. :-) And if it's the smut you love, I'm sure I can work plenty in later.***

He responded immediately of course, and suddenly the kisses were more … urgent. Not forceful, but just like we were both trying to make the most of this moment. I realised with sadness that Jake probably didn't think he'd get another chance. That or he'd been waiting so long he didn't know how to take things slowly. It sort of surprised me that I didn't want to, either. I needed this. The hole that had been burning through my chest ever since _he _had left felt sort of full. I could still feel a numb burning at the edges, but just sort of like it was being put back together, a little disjointed and it still stung, but I felt like it was going to get better.

Kissing Jake was totally different to kissing … _Edward. _I forced myself to think of his name and, for once it didn't hurt so much. I almost expected to hear his velvet voice again, another warning, or at least a growl or a snarl … but nothing. I wondered if the contact with Jacob meant I wasn't crazy, that I was … moving on. I panicked and momentarily stopped kissing Jake, terrified that I was forgetting. Jake froze and looked at me.

"What? Bells? What's wrong?" I looked at him, feeling guilty instantly.

"Nothing …" I smiled as I realised how true this was. Nothing was wrong! In fact, what could be more right? Sure, I was broken, I was a mess, but Jake had brought me back to life, and I wasn't fully fixed yet, but he was the best mechanic I knew! Surely one day, though I sadly knew I would never be the same, I could be fixed. Not perfect, but, almost as good as new. A new Bella. My alternative universe Bella. I put my arms around his neck more firmly and pulled him back to me. He grinned, and very gently lay me down on the couch, so he was right on top of me. I realised with sadness that this was another way it was totally different to kissing … _Edward_. He had always been so careful with me, afraid to get too close. And when he did, his ice cold skin was always a bit of a distraction. Jake was the polar opposite. He was so warm, that I was already breaking through a sweat in his too-big clothes. So much so, it was almost uncomfortable, and yet, the idea of taking them off didn't seem as wrong as it should. In fact, I realised that this would be better. I _wanted _to take things further. I was ready. It seemed like Jake was too.

I ran my fingers down Jake's already bare chest and started to tug at the bottom of the sweatshirt he'd given me. He stopped kissing me for a second and looked at me, trying to work out if I was doing what he thought I was doing. I just gave him the most coy look I could muster (probably hopelessly pathetic to me, but it seemed to work for him) and tugged it over my head. Jake let out a low gush of air and slowly traced his fingers across my stomach, which sent shivers through me and somehow made me all the more desperate for his touch.

And suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do, and it didn't seem wrong, or bad, and I thought that, maybe even if I didn't love him like I loved … _Edward_, I _did_ still love him, and I could learn to love him more so. Maybe that would be enough. It wasn't about having a claim on him. It was about being there for some one who was there for me.

And the fact that he was a fantastic kisser was a plus.

The tingly feelings hadn't stopped, and almost as soon as I had made my decision, there was the soft velvet voice in my head that I craved to hear so much …

_Please, Bella …_

It almost made me stop what I was doing, because he sounded so … so hurt. The thought of hurting him crushed me, but I convinced myself that, in a way, he might be pleased that I had some one else. If I ever crossed his mind, maybe, just maybe, he'd hoped that I'd find some one who could be there for me … some one human. Well, nearly human. My wolf man.

And out of nowhere a surge of something that was very much like hate, hit me as I realised how angry I was. For months I had felt nothing, but all of a sudden, just those two words of the velvet voice from the immortal seventeen year old who didn't want me any more had stirred something inside me, that encouraged me even more to push this … thing with Jacob.

I knew it was time, and mustering up all my courage, I slowly made my way … further south, and tugged at Jake's bottoms, hoping he'd get the hint and help me out a little.

"Bella …" He paused and looked at me, biting his lip. Oh God, I thought, please don't stop this. "Are you … are you sure, that, this is what you want?" I nodded twice, staring into his eyes, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"Are - are you? I mean, we don't have to … I just …" I stammered quickly. Jake smiled and brushed a lock of hair off my face.

"Sure, sure …" Within double quick time, we seemed to have lost our clothes and our breath was a lot deeper, though I had no idea how to go about any of this. Luckily enough Jake had run off at super speed to grab a condom from his room (even virgin teenaged boys are always prepared, guaranteed). It was both of our first times, and I knew it was going to hurt … Edward and I had never got this far, and I had no idea what to expect. I was pretty sure that it was always going to be awkward your first time, but I was sure that this was what I wanted.

"I love you, Jake." I said softly. This seemed to be the encouragement he needed. He lifted me up easily, and placing me gently just above him, slowly entered me. It hurt quite a lot, but I bit down on my lip and focused on his face. His eyes were clenched tight, and he looked like he was really concentrating. I pressed my lips into that little space just under his earlobe and he turned his head toward me to kiss my lips as he started rocking, setting the pace. After the initial ache, it started to feel, well, really nice. My breathing quickened as his did, and I was pretty sure that first times shouldn't be so … easy. It wasn't actually that awkward … it worked. He lent me back further on the couch so he was totally on top, and I moaned as he bent his head and slowly licked my nipples. My fingers raked his back, although I knew there would be no damage, with his super werewolf healing abilities.

I put one leg up on his shoulder and this seemed to make things better, a few thrusts later and Jacob collapsed on top of me, still in me. Now things seemed perfect, I felt whole. I kissed his forehead and he returned the favour on my neck, where he was resting his head. I stroked his head and closed my eyes happily, with that smug feeling of new found womanhood, which I had not anticipated, having always played the grown up for my whole life.

"Uh oh." Jake said suddenly, sitting up.

"What?!" I asked urgently, following his lead, distraught at the moment ending. He was pulling on his clothes quickly. I grabbed my bra and the clothes Jacob had let me borrow, but I couldn't find my underwear anywhere. I silently cursed as I hopped one footed into the too big bottoms.

"I can hear a car …" Sure enough, just as we'd got dressed, Billy Black rolled into the tiny living room with Sam Uley. I instantly adjusted myself, sure they'd be able to notice something had changed, although there was nothing about Jake that suggested discomfort. He was totally at ease. I imagined that in the way I felt smug and womanly, he probably felt like a real man - and he was still a minor! As I processed this thought my stomach lurched momentarily, but I realised that that didn't matter to me … and technically, _biologically, _he was older than me. Just his birth certificate didn't agree.

I tried to redirect my once again selfish thoughts into being there for Billy and Sam, having just got back from the hospital.

"I'm so sorry -" I said quickly. Billy sighed and tried a half smile. "Maybe I should get back, I mean, I'm sure Charlie will need me …" I stammered.

"Great idea." Billy said quietly.

"Okay, I'll be right back, Dad." Jake said. He turned to me. "I'll fetch your truck then take you home." I nodded quickly, and sat back down on the couch, feeling uncomfortable and not knowing quite what to do with myself. The dull ache between my thighs was way too much of a distraction. Sam took off pretty soon, having things to attend to, and I felt so in the way it was untrue. I tried to think of something to say to Billy, but I came up blank. He didn't look like he really wanted me to say anything anyway.

True to his word, Jake appeared soon enough, and I got up, grabbing my damp clothes.

"I - I'm really sorry, again, Billy." I said quickly, making a dash for the front door.

I hopped into my truck and let out a sigh. Jake looked comfortable enough in the driver's seat and my mind was too preoccupied to complain. He smiled at me and then set off. The journey back from La Push didn't last long enough for me. I wasn't eager to get back to Forks or Charlie, I wanted to stay in this selfish little bubble of mine, where it was just me, and Jacob, and my new favourite activity, even better than cliff diving and the motorcycles. Jacob stopped a little early of my house and turned to face me. He pulled me towards him and kissed my forehead.

"I know that it's wrong, but … well, I really loved tonight." I bit my lip as he spoke softly into my ear, feeling the same guilty pang for finding happiness in such a messy day. I'd learnt about several different kinds of love … best friend love, new love, learning to love, and … making love.

"No, I totally understand. I could really get used to this Jake." He grinned at me and I bent my head up and kissed him. The car windows were open and just then a gush of wind blew through the window, causing my hair to billow up into my face and interrupt the open mouthed kiss as I got a mouthful of my own hair. I coughed and pulled it away.

"WHOA, vampire!" Jake shouted, slamming down on the pedal so we took off again. I jumped, my heart racing. I almost forgot to breathe as I realised that this must be it - Victoria, she really had come back for me _today_! What if Charlie was back already?!

"What?! Where?"

"Your house! I can smell it! Eurgh!" I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest as Jake sped off, sending my truck off to it's 55 mile per hour speed limit, and speeding past my house, when I very quickly noticed something. I'd have recognised that car anywhere. It was a very familiar silver Volvo, one I hadn't seen in a long, long time. My heart stopped as I screamed.

"JAKE! Stop this car now! It's - it's - _Edward_!"


	3. An Uncomfortable Reunion

**Jake's brow furrowed into the angry look I hated, and I didn't know what to say, as he sped past my house and Edward's car. I desperately wanted to go back home, to find out what he wanted, why he'd come back, but I didn't know how I should go around it. I thought hard, neither Jake or I saying anything.**

"**Okay, Jake, I need to go back for Charlie."**

"**No." Jake replied simply. I bit my lip fiercely, thinking hard.**

"**Aw, Jake, you know how he's going to be after today!"**

"**You're not going back where that filthy bloodsucker is." I winced at his words and felt a little piece of my newly filled up hole in my chest fall away.**

"**Then come back with me." Jake slowed down instantly and looked at me.**

"**You serious?" **

"**Absolutely." I replied. I knew that whatever unfolded in my house would be nothing that I would like, but something about having Jake there when I had to come to terms with my months of absolute agony, made it a little easier.**

"**Well, alright, but I'm not promising I won't tear him up. Or that he won't tear me up for that matter." I watched Jake's face nervously, trying to work it out. He was wearing a sly smirk which made him a million times less attractive. I balled my hands into fists**

"**Jacob Black, if you touch him, or if he touches you, then I will throw myself out of my bedroom window, do you understand?" **

"**Hey, I promise I won't **_**start **_**anything." Jake looked like he was considering something I wasn't, and it was incredibly frustrating that I wasn't catching on to what he was thinking. Then it hit me.**

"**You're going to tell him about today." I whispered. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.**

"**Not on purpose." Jake muttered, sounding guilty all of a sudden. "But there's no way I'm going to be able to stop thinking about today … and the way you look when you -"**

"**Jake!" I stopped him, closing my eyes and pushing my hands into them, so that bright lights appeared behind my lids. I didn't need to hear this. All of a sudden, going back to La Push seemed like a good idea, if it weren't for Charlie.**

**Charlie.**

**He would be back soon, and there was no way I was going to let him see Edward, he would completely go insane, and he'd already had a terrible day! I realised that I had to be brave and face it head on. **

"**Okay. I'm ready." Jake looked at me sideways and let out a low murmur that sounded like 'sure, sure'. He pulled up outside my house and unbuckled his seatbelt.**

**From outside, it looked normal. It was completely dark, and painfully obvious that no one was in. At least, no one that should be. Jake opened my side of the truck and pulled me out, putting his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the house like he was showing me off. Bad idea, I looked hideous. My hair was even more tangled, I was wearing his clothes, and I still had no underwear on! I wondered if I should mention this to Jake, just so he could try and find them later before Billy did. **

**I opened the door to my house and turned on the light. And there he was. My Greek god. My soul mate. My Edward. Standing very still, his face set into a mask, and looking like he wanted nothing more than to rip off Jacob's head. I shivered and Jacob instantly tightened his grip on me.**

"**Hello, leech." Jacob glared at Edward, obviously enjoying the moment far too much. I had no idea where to begin, but as I looked over the usually golden eyes which were currently black, and the beautiful bronze hair, and porcelain skin of the boy I had believed to be my whole life, the hole in my chest ripped open, taking my heart with it I was sure, and I had forgotten to breathe, so with all this happening at once, it came as no surprise that my world fell away and slipped into darkness.**


	4. No Solution

***A/N It was suggested that I write some from Edward's point of view, and I'm toying with the idea. What do you think? I'm willing to give it a go, or would you rather it just stays Bella? Let me know. Also, thank you so much to every one who's f**

**reviewed, read and added my story to their favourites and/or alert list. I'm really unbelievably flattered and it's been my motive for carrying on. I'm still really new to this so thank you so much for all of the encouragement. ****J*******

My eyes stayed shut but I knew I was awake now. My head felt like it was splitting open, and I became aware that I was on my couch. Suddenly it all came back to me, and I wondered what I was going to say. 'Sorry Edward, but you weren't around so I settled for Jake', or maybe 'I know I just took your virginity and all Jake but Edward's back so I don't need you any more'? I realised greedily that I wanted them _both_. And I was dying of curiosity to see if they were both still there, but also way too scared to want to find out. I was still worried about Charlie, and decided that, with that as my main priority, I needed to sit up.

I did so, and was instantly welcomed with a new surge of pain. I doubled up, my head in my hands with the room swirling around me again. I thought I was going to throw up.

"Jake -" I said quickly.

"I'm right here Bella." I managed to open my eyes and he was. I dared a glance at the rest of the room and saw that Edward was standing at the other side, glaring at me. He looked tormented. I didn't know what to say to him.

"Oh!" It was then that I felt the hurt and pain wash over me, the newly ripped open hole causing an unbelievable amount of pain. I couldn't control tears. Jacob tried to pull me to him but I pushed him away, needing to be on my own, and not wanting to hurt Edward any more. I just didn't know where to begin in this whole mess. "Just - just give me a minute." I muttered, wiping my eyes fiercely. I forced myself to look up at Edward, and I knew my eyes gave me away because I instantly felt Jacob stiffen.

"Edward. I don't know what to say."

"Hello Bella." He watched me carefully, never breaking his gaze.

"You didn't want me." I stated. His face scrunched up.

"It hurts that you believed the lie so easily."

"The - the lie?" I stammered, feeling like I was going to pass out again as the room began to spin. I clenched on to the cushion beneath me, my knuckles turning white I was holding on so hard.

"I can't believe you believed me so easily that I didn't want you any more. I left you because I thought you'd be better off with some one else." I chanced a look at Jacob who was smirking. Edward had also noticed this, and quickly added, "Some one human." I heard Jacob snarl slightly and instinctively moved away. My stomach lurched again and I wiped my eyes furiously, not knowing what to do.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked, trying to focus. I hated that Edward knew everything, with his annoying ability of being able to read everybody's minds - except mine, of course, but I could only imagine all too clearly how much Jacob would be enjoying showing Edward how we had spent our evening. I wanted to punch him, when just an hour ago I had wanted to lie with him forever, skin on skin.

"He left a message." Jacob stated, and I knew he must be slightly annoyed by my rejection and moving away. "He's going back to Sue's for a while. He was pleased that I'm here." He smirked at Edward, whose face still hadn't changed. I was unhappy to be given this information, because it gave me more time now, which I didn't want. I didn't want to sort through everything, and my eyes were battling to stay open, partially because I was crying so much, and partially because it had been one of the longest days of my life. I had nearly drowned, I had lost my virginity, I'd unknowingly had a vampire out for my blood right there with me, and Edward had returned. I lost grip on the couch and slid to the side involuntarily. Jacob caught me and helped me sit back up.

"She needs sleep." Edward spoke softly.

"I agree." I said, wiping my eyes, trying to see properly, with my lids fighting to shut and too many tears. "If it's okay, I'd like to go to bed."

"Of course, Bella." Edward murmured, finally moving, but still looking just as crushed. Jacob let out a huff and left me to support myself.

"Right. I guess we can talk later, Bells." He said, standing up and picking me up. He tried to kiss me but I leaned my head away and shut my eyes tight. He put me down on my feet and glared.

"Goodnight." I bit my lip and looked at them both, both beautiful in their own ways. I walked towards the stairs, and hoping they'd just leave, I added, "I'll be shutting the window."

I managed to brush my teeth but was far too tired to change, and Jacob's clothes were comfy enough anyway. True to my word, I shut my window. But then I gave in and opened it again a few minutes later, wondering whether or not either of them would come through, and knowing all too well which one I hoped it would be.


	5. Three Halves Don't Make a Whole

Despite being so tired, I slept restlessly, I kept having strange, distorted dreams of bright orange floating on water, and of black eyes that never moved but never broke eye contact. Every time I woke up I would switch on the light, but for two hours he didn't show. When he did, I still didn't know what to say.

"I hope I wasn't wrong in understanding that your open window meant you did want me to come after all." Edward's eyes were still black, and they looked slightly bruised underneath. I knew he must be incredibly thirsty. I nodded but still hadn't found words yet. "Did you want to talk to me about something in particular?" He asked cautiously.

"You already know everything." Edward sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, looking as if he'd walked in on the day's events. I supposed that was the equivalent of reading people's minds.

"Yes. Jacob enjoyed going into gory details."

"You left me."

"I know. And I can never, ever forgive myself for that."

"You don't want me." Suddenly Edward was right on my bed, his face inches from mine. I breathed in his delicious scent and my head went light all of a sudden.

"Bella, I have always, and will always want you. No matter what."

"I thought you were never coming back." It was a whisper. I was disgusted with myself, and I was sure he knew. He wasn't angry at me, and I felt like he should be. I wanted him to be, I deserved it.

"I couldn't stay away any longer. I came to plead with you to take me back, although I wouldn't deserve it, of course. In fact, I don't deserve your time even now. I am so, so, sorry Bella. If you would like me to leave again, I will."

"No!" I shouted quickly, too loudly. I heard a snore from Charlie's room and was surprised that I'd forgotten he was surely back by now. I lowered my voice. "No. You can never leave me again."

"I don't want to."

"Jacob." I said quietly. Edward's eyes creased up and I bit my lip.

"I understand." He said quietly. I shook my head.

"No, no you couldn't possibly! I don't know. I don't know how it happened! I'm sorry. Be angry with me. Something. Anything. You shouldn't be apologising to me, there isn't enough time in the world for me to make it up to you, and you come back, so, so sorry! And you shouldn't be, because I'm the horrible one, I'm the one who betrayed you, and now I've made a mess of everything, and I don't know what to do!" Fresh tears broke through my eyes and Edward's arms were around me instantly. I sobbed into his shoulder as he hushed me. He pressed his cold lips to my neck.

"I don't blame you."

"But you blame him." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"No. Of course you would want … that level of intimacy, sooner or later, and I'm not sure I could ever be strong enough to give you what you wanted. If that's what you want - if _he's _what you want, I understand." I shook my head fiercely.

"No, you're the only thing I could ever want in my life. You _are _my life." He kissed my cheek this time, and somewhere outside the window, I heard a low howl, a broken hearted, desperate howl. I stiffened. "Jake." I stated, needing no translation.

"Yes, he's been listening. No doubt he was waiting till I left so he could speak to you himself." I pushed Edward away.

"You _knew_ he was there, and you let me say all those things!" Edward frowned.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but really, he isn't that high on my priorities. You have no idea how much I want to kill him right now, it would be far too easy -"

"No! No. You can never, ever say that to me! Do you understand? No matter what happens with you, or with him, he will always be my best friend! He's been my world ever since you left and I just hurt him more than I ever thought possible. Why am I such a horrible person?! Why does _any one _want me, let alone the two most perfect boys I know -" Edward pressed a finger to my lips, silencing me. I was too upset to object.

"Bella, I am far from perfect, and he's definitely not even close. Now would you stop blaming yourself for something most people from this generation wouldn't think twice about."

"This generation. Not yours." Edward's lips thinned into a line and he said nothing. "Is Jacob gone now?" I asked quietly. Edward nodded.

"I don't think he'll be back for a while." The hole in my chest throbbed, which was odd, because I imagined that having Edward back would somehow have made it better. And yet, at that moment, I couldn't have felt worse. Maybe seeing as though it would always be one or the other when it came to Edward and Jacob, there was no way I could ever be whole again. I shuddered at the thought and tried to remember how I'd been so numb before. I couldn't do it, and I didn't have the energy to try.

"I need to get some sleep now. Will you stay with me?" I asked quietly.

"Forever."


	6. Wanting It All

***A/N This is only a short chapter because I urgently felt like I had to put something up for Team Jacob. Trust me, Bella is nowhere near decided. To me it always seems like Bella & Edward should end up together, but in this story I'm just not sure. Let me know whether you think she should end up with Edward or Jacob, I still have plenty of different ideas about how I want the story to end, and there's plenty more to come with Jacob **_**and **_**Edward. Hang in there guys and let me know what you think. Thank you again, so much for the reviews and alerts etc. Tinkk x***

I awoke the next morning with my stomach feeling like lead. When I'd finally fallen asleep I'd been dreaming of Jacob all night. I couldn't remember exactly what had happened, just that he'd been there throughout. Dread filled me as I tried to piece the day before together in my mind. I rolled over begrudgingly and was surprised to find that I was relieved that Edward wasn't there any more. He'd left a note.

_If you wake before I return, I've gone hunting. Will be back soon. I love you._

_Edward._

My stomach sank but I knew what I had to do. I had to see Jacob, and fast. I showered and got ready as quickly as I could, not knowing how much time I had before Edward came back. I was in my truck and on my way to La Push in no time, despite the fact that it was early. Charlie was nowhere to be seen but I could only assume he was either at work or fishing.

I pushed my truck to its limit, despite its groaning in protest. When I eventually got to Jacob's house, Billy was at the door before I had even knocked, having recognised the grumble of my truck's noisy engine.

"Jake doesn't want to see you Bella." My face crumpled and I looked into Billy's eyes pleadingly.

"Aw, Billy, please, tell him it's not what he thinks it is. Tell him it's really important and I'm so so sorry." Billy sighed and watched me with careful eyes. He went back into the house momentarily but didn't invite me in. I hovered on the doorstep, bouncing on the spot, full of anxious energy. He was gone moments but it felt like forever. When he came back he gave me a cold look.

"Jake agreed to speak to you, but he's not in the best of moods." Billy said warningly. I chewed my lip and nodded. I almost hoped Jake would be furious with me. It was no less than I deserved. I walked into the tiny house and past Billy, who stayed by the front door.

"I'm just going to go fishing for a while." He said, scrutinising my face, and I felt dirty and awkward, like he knew far too much. He probably did. Jake had no real reason to keep secrets from his father, and certainly the pack would know everything by now. I felt like my most intimate thoughts and moments were every one's business, and it made my stomach lurch. My hands shook slightly as I nodded at Billy and turned away, heading towards Jake's tiny room. I didn't know whether or not I should knock. I took a deep breath and tapped the door lightly.

"Come in, Bella." Jake murmured. I pushed the door open. Jake was lying on his bed with his arms behind his head, apparently very interested in something on the ceiling.

"Jake, I don't know where to start." He sighed but didn't look at me. I took this as a signal to go on. "You know I love you."

"Do you?" He said, looking at me now. He was sarcastic, he clearly thought I didn't mean it. I had hurt him badly, and it was the last thing I wanted.

"I want you to be mad at me. I deserve it."

"Right. Stop being the martyr Bella and get on with whatever you're here for."

"I'm here because I think … No. I know. I know that I did something awful yesterday, and, I think that, I maybe made a mistake." Jacob let out a _humph_ and went back to surveying the ceiling. It was so irritating. I threw my self on the small bed beside him and curled into his side. He hesitated for a moment, but eventually pulled me into him and kissed the top of my head.

"I have to stop letting you get away with everything …" He murmured into my hair. I stroked his bare chest and planted a kiss on his side.

"I have to stop hurting you. I can't stand it Jake. I don't know why I do it."

"That bloodsucker just always has one up on me." He sighed. I flinched at the insult and wished I could deny that it were true. I loved Edward, but I loved Jacob too. The thought crippled me as I realised, I really had no idea which I loved more. Which path I wanted to take. I was stuck in the middle, but being stuck in that particular moment, wasn't such a bad thing, and everything I'd felt with Jake yesterday when it was just me and him came rushing back. I pulled myself up so I was on top of him and kissed his lips softly. He pulled me towards him immediately, and I was immensely grateful that Billy had gone out. My hands traced the taut outlines of his stomach as his hands ran through my hair. Suddenly everything else melted away, and it was just me, and Jacob. Jacob and me, as one …


	7. No Rush From La Push

***A/N I do try to keep my chapters quite short, but this is a bit longer than usual. Also a bit saucier ;-) I hope Team Jacob will be happy! I just wanted to say thanks again for all the positive feedback, and I welcome any suggestions or ideas you might have, or anything you'd like to see in the story. Let me know! Tinkk x***

When I was with Jacob, it was very easy to forget about Edward. Before he had left me, it was like every particle of me was tuned into him, I was always so aware of his presence, and he never, ever left my mind. The months of torture when he was gone, had been nearly unbearable, and had it not been for Jake, I didn't know what would have happened to me. He had brought me back to life. It didn't matter how many times I said it, I couldn't do it justice. I couldn't explain it any better than that. He'd been my life support machine, and the day of cliff diving had taught me so many things. The time I'd spent with Jacob that day had given me fresh hope, and giving myself to him totally had felt perfect, the only thing I wanted. And yet, Edward came back and everything was on its head again. I had no idea what I wanted. Last night, it had seemed simple, with Edward on my bed with me. Until he'd purposely let me hurt Jacob, and once Jacob had been fresh in my mind, it was hard to get him out of it.

That afternoon in La Push, Billy called to say he'd be back late, and he was with Charlie, just in case I was still there and worrying about getting back. They were at the Clearwater's, trying to help Sue come to terms with her loss that seemed a million miles away to me, as I lay in Jacob's bed, curled around him, breathing in his woody, musky scent. In fact, when I was with Jacob, it was very easy to forget about everything else.

We spent the day in bed together, skin on skin, sometimes chattering away, sometimes saying nothing at all. I didn't want to move. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving, and I was dreading going back home. I didn't want to face Edward, and I felt sure he would be there, waiting, with far too many questions; none of which I wanted to answer. I didn't want to tell him how I'd spent my day butt naked entwined with Jacob, breathing heavily with adrenaline rushing through me. I didn't want to admit that I loved them both, equally most of the time, but how this new found physical contact seemed so much more valuable than I'd ever considered it to be. Sleeping with Jacob didn't even hurt. He was so gentle, but so … fulfilling. When we were together like that, no crevice on my body felt empty. I could have lay like that forever; one day didn't seem enough.

Jacob was dozing next to me, his scorching hot arms around my waist. The blankets were on the floor somewhere - they were unnecessary with my half-human-half-wolf radiator. I lay content, holding his hands to my skin, and gently stroking his fingers. My mind was wandering to more practical issues, like Charlie, Edward, what I was supposed to do. I wished there were a way for me to stay the whole night, but I couldn't think of a single excuse. Jacob grumbled and his eyes fluttered open.

"Hey." I murmured, twisting to face him and kissing him gently on the lips. He pulled me in tighter to him, giving my naked body the once-over and smiling.

"Hey." He said back, brushing his fingers against my spine. Goosebumps raised up there and I let out a small moan. He grinned wickedly and moved on top of me, kissing my neck softly, with the slight flash of tongue here and there, which drove me wild. I wrapped my legs around him as my breath deepened. He was driving me crazy and he knew it. His right hand stroked all the way down my side to my leg. He began drawing soft circles with his fingers around my thigh and I could hardly take any more teasing. I moved my hips slightly to the left, hoping to encourage him. He laughed and moved his fingers higher up, rubbing soft, slow circles around my clit, which drove me wild. I pushed my hair off my face and groaned, pulling him closer. He needed no more incentive than that and entered me slowly. I raised my hips slightly so that he hit my G-Spot and my fingernails dug into his back. After a while he flipped over so I was on top. I immediately went to work riding him, my back arched. This was even better, and by the look on Jacob's face, he thought so too. His hands were all over me, and he kept having to close his eyes.

By the time it was all over, we were both exhausted. That was the third time today and I wasn't really even aching. I didn't see how it could get better than that. I also couldn't understand where all my energy was coming from.

We lay there for a long while, kissing, lightly touching each other. He was intoxicating. Eventually I realised that it was dark outside. I bit down on my lip, knowing I had to leave soon. Jake seemed to recognise this too and sighed. He pulled me close to him and kissed me passionately. I submitted, and wondered how I was ever going to pull the strength together to leave.

After a while he pulled away, kissing my cheek and then sitting up.

"You should go back, Bella." He sighed and pulled me up so I was sitting up too. I climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around him.

"I know. But I don't want to imagine what's waiting for me."

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered.

"No!" I shouted back quickly. I couldn't let Edward hear Jacob's thoughts! I had to compose my own so I could work out what I was going to tell him. I was a terrible liar and also terribly indecisive. When I was with Jake, I wanted Jake. When I was with Edward, I wanted Edward. It was a tough call, and a decision no female should be allowed to make; both were far too exceptional for some one as ordinary as me. Jacob raised an eyebrow at me as I tried to think of a logical excuse for not bringing him back with me, and keeping him away from Edward.

"What about Billy?" I asked softly. Jake snorted and pushed me off his lap, leaning over to grab something from his floor. My stomach dropped as I realised what. He was dangling in his hand yesterday's underwear. I groaned.

"I think he planned on giving us as much time as necessary today. He'll be gone a while." I pressed my hands to my face, cringing.

"I was going to warn you about those." Jake grinned at me.

"Don't worry Bells, I like reminders of you. Especially ones as sexy as these!" He laughed as I threw myself at him, wrestling him to the bed. The play fight ended quickly as I realised Little Jacob was poking me in the back. I laughed at him. He grinned back.

"One more round and then I'll let you go?" I rolled my eyes at him and jumped off, picking my clothes off the floor and beginning to dress myself.

"Nah, I should head off now, before I lose any more valuable items of clothing." I teased. He pouted at me.

"Fine, but do I still get to keep these?" He held my panties between thumb and forefinger and I rolled my eyes again.

"If it means so much to you." He laughed and pulled me towards him again. I didn't see how I was ever going to leave.

"Can I come through the window tonight?" He whispered softly into my ear. I nodded and kissed him.

"As long as you're as quiet and dainty as possible."

"Can do." I released him and grabbed my car keys.

"I guess I'll see you later then." He got up and stretched. He pulled me tight to him and kissed me goodbye.

"Sure will."

I set off from La Push feeling anxious and grumpy. I drove around in the wrong direction for a while, delaying going home. I didn't know what to say to Edward. I didn't know what I wanted to do myself. It was all too easy to just flit from one to the other, but I couldn't do that … could I?


	8. A Composition of Irrational Thoughts

***A/N Sorry if this seems a little thrown together, but I just wanted to give some more perspective into Bella's head and I feel like this moves the story along. It's only short but hopefully that keeps it a bit snappier! Also it's 1AM and I've been out since 10:30AM this morning. & I've been drinking. THAT'S dedication. ;-) I just felt like I had to write something because people have been so kind and genuinely seem to want to read more. I guess I'm a sucker for flattery and I just can't resist, so here's another chapter, and remember to let me know of any ideas or thoughts you have about it, or what you'd like to see happen. Thank you again so much. All my love, Tinkk x***

I drove straight past my house, just wanting to be on my own. I didn't want to face Edward, because I knew exactly what would happen. I'd either go to pieces and tell him everything, or I would fall in love with him all over again and break Jacob's heart. Again. I knew that if he was in my house, he would have heard my distinctive truck coming a long time ago, and yet I couldn't bring myself to care. I was sick of being treated like a fragile doll. Edward was meant to have been my boyfriend, not my father! I didn't want to be constantly protected and watched over. I wanted love, physical contact and recklessness. Mind blowing, irrational, carefree love. Not deadly, cold and distant.

I felt guilty as soon as I thought it, because I knew I didn't fully mean it. Edward felt like my soul mate, whereas, Jacob … I worried that I just loved being loved. I was utterly comfortable and happy with him, but now that he wasn't here, it was too easy for my mind to wander again and for me to be sliding down the slippery slope of indecisiveness. Jacob, or Edward, Jacob, or Edward?

It was difficult to compare. Edward was perfect looking in a beautiful, model-like way. Jacob was incredibly attractive in a rugged, charming way. Edward wanted to take care of me. So did Jacob, but he didn't have to be so … gentle, and infuriating! Edward was intoxicating. So was Jake. Edward wanted me forever. Jake had never given up on me. Edward left me. Jake brought me back to life. Then again, I was always Edward's top priority, and more than once I had been furious with Jake, or he had done or said something ridiculous and upsetting. There were far too many pros, and a minute list of cons for both, which encouraged the greedy monster within me even more. I didn't know how I should act. What I should do. I knew it was wrong to want both, but to act on it would be … unthinkable. Wouldn't it? Sometimes it didn't seem like such a bad idea.

The inner bitch was trying to convince me into a path of trial and error. Test their limits. Their limits, _not _their love. May the best man - sort of, man - win. The sensible side was telling me that if I was going to keep causing so much pain I should just let them both go, and do them both a favour. I didn't deserve so much affection when I couldn't decide how much I wanted either, let alone which one I wanted more. How irrational would it be to base a relationship on physical contact? The past two days had contained so much of it that I knew it was going to my head and I really was playing much more importance on it than was necessary. But still, the inner bitch tried to make me see that physical relationships are vital to any normal couple. I scoffed at the thought. There was nothing normal about Jacob or Edward; both were far too incredible for plain old me, and yet, somehow, they both wanted me. It was irrational, unbelievable, and what was even more shocking was that I knew what I wanted, I just didn't want to admit it.

I did want them both. I wanted each of them wholly to myself. I could easily spend all day in bed with Jacob, and all night with Edward. I considered that thought for a moment and shuddered, partially because I knew how amazing that would be, and partially because I was so disgusted with myself for seriously considering it. I tried my hardest to be fair, but it was nearly impossible when I was so inebriated with such strong love and lust for both. My stomach clenched as I considered that what it all could come down to, would be whether or not Edward would forsake his virtue and give me what my body so desperately craved whenever he was near me.

But Jake.

I stopped the car a few blocks away from my house and placed my head in my arms, clenching my eyes tight and willing my brain to stop thinking. I decided that I would go home and face whatever was there. If Edward wanted to talk, I would tell him everything. If he tried to tell me it was okay and he didn't blame me, I would walk back out of the house. I couldn't deal with any more patronising comforting. I needed honesty, and raw, truthful emotion. When it came down to it, Edward was a stone. His love for me ruled out everything else, but I wanted punishing. Needed it. If he wanted me as much as he claimed, surely he would be willing to open up completely and expose his true feelings for me. I knew I'd already had way more than I deserved, but that was what I wanted, what I _needed_ most.

With that, I sighed and turned the car around. If he was there, I would face him. If not, I would await Jacob's visit. That was definitely something to look forward to.


	9. Basic Human Desire

***A/N Okay, I'm sorry this has taken me so long to update, but I have been really, really busy this past week or so. I go back to college in a couple of weeks and a play I'm writing is going to be performed in October, and I haven't finished it yet and I've been preoccupied with exam results and day trips and my friends seem to be having a lot of dramas this week! So I am really sorry, especially that this is another go-between chapter, but I **_**promise**_** there is more to follow, and thank you so much for the support and encouragement, I think I would have given up by now if it weren't for you guys. ****J*******

I sat in the Chevy for a few minutes, thinking things through. For once, I wished that Charlie were home, so I could delay going to my room, but I really had nothing better to do.

I begrudgingly got out and made my way to the house, grumbling to myself and kicking a stone out of my way. Of course, this made me trip over my own feet, which worsened my bad mood. I put my things down once inside, took a deep breath and made my way up the stairs.

He was there, of course. His nose wrinkled when I walked in.

"You were with the dog." He muttered plainly. I nodded. The night we had spent together merely a few hours ago felt like decades away. He was pulling me out of my Jacob bubble and I wasn't enjoying the bitter taste of reality - or as close as things came to it with Edward around. He looked pained and his hands balled into fists. I winced, knowing that I wasn't going to be able to lie to him.

"He makes me feel alive." I muttered pathetically, knowing that I couldn't possibly be more of a horrible person. I was continuously hurting the people I loved most. My anger melted into guilt and regret as I admitted to myself that Edward didn't deserve this.

"I shouldn't feel jealous. I wanted you to do what was best for you, I was just too selfish. I'm sorry, Bella." I punched my wall viciously, then looked at my fist in surprise, wondering where the sudden violence had come from. I turned my eyes to him.

"Stop with the martyr act. I can't take it any more! I'm sick of all the guilt tripping, all the 'I'm sorry' bullshit. I'm sick of you always blaming yourself. For God's sake, Edward, I hurt Jake last night, made you believe I was still in love with you, then slept with Jacob again today at the first available opportunity. Several times. And I don't regret it, because _he_ doesn't treat me like a fragile china doll. _He _doesn't hover around me all the time. He doesn't fucking leave me!" By this time I was hysterical. I stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me, although of course it didn't make a noise and Edward was blocking my path before I could make it down the stairs.

"Let me go, Edward, or I swear -"

"Swear what, Bella? What could you possibly do to hurt me more?" Edward's eyes looked dark, and I couldn't look at his immaculately beautiful face, because it didn't look like _him._ I tried to decipher his expression, but I couldn't explain it. Hatred? Hurt? Anger? That wasn't it. Or at least, it was some kind of compilation.

"I can't do this any more." My body crumpled and he didn't pull me towards him. He let me drop to the floor. He towered above me and I wiped my eyes furiously, searching for some form of self control. I had none. "I need the one thing you could never give me, and I know it's pathetic."

"What do you mean?" He watched me carefully, obviously trying to decide what he should do. I searched him with my teary eyes, trying to find some way of communicating without saying the words aloud. He looked frustrated; I knew it bugged him that he couldn't read my mind. Just that once, I wished that he could.

"You know. You must know." I mumbled, looking away and picking at my nails. I was less furious now, because I was aware that I was acting like a spoiled child. I was ashamed of myself. I chanced a look at him again and saw he was surprised.

"You don't mean -" I took a deep breath, waiting for him to say the words I couldn't admit to aloud, but he didn't, he just stood there shaking his head. "Please don't tell me that this is about _sex_." I blushed furiously and got up. I stormed into my room and threw myself on the bed, hiding my face in my pillow so I wouldn't have to look at him any more and see the look on his face. I was sure he'd be disgusted. He had always said that getting too close to me was a danger thing, and he kept a certain distance for my own safety. It seemed more likely to me that I was just repulsive.

A cool hand brushed a lock of hair from the side of my head and I forced myself to look up at him, bleary eyed. I watched him carefully. His eyes flickered across my face, studying it as carefully as I was studying his. He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed beside me.

"If that's what it would take to bring you back to me Bella … I would be willing to _try._"

***A/N Please don't stone me yet! Bella is far too selfish for it to be **_**that**_** simple. But sorry Team Jacob, she's nowhere near done with Edward just yet! Hang in there. :-D***


	10. Marking Territory

I sat up and looked at Edward, trying to decide what to say. Surely this was everything I wanted - Jacob _and_ Edward, wholly. But it was just so unfair, and I knew I couldn't be that cruel. Not if a conscious decision was involved anyway. Edward was rigid as a statue; only his eyes moved, watching my face. I shivered and pulled my blanket around me; it wasn't just Edward's close, cold presence that was making me chilly; it was the goosebumps that raised on my arm at the mere thought of being that intimate with Edward. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Two days of sexual encounters and eighteen years of innocence and morals had gone leaping out the window. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to regret any of it. Was this really about my body, not love? I knew it shouldn't be that way, but it just felt like it _was._

Edward moved suddenly, leaping up.

"What is it?" I whispered.

"Charlie's home." He muttered simply. As if by magic, I heard the sound of Charlie's cruiser pull into the drive and I bit my lip, not knowing what to do.

"Shit. Okay. Edward, please, just don't come by tonight. I need to be here for Charlie, and to think things through, and - and I'm exhausted, and I just need to get some uninterrupted beauty sleep. Is that okay?" I knew my excuses were awful, but Edward nodded anyway. He pressed his lips to my forehead and when I opened my eyes again, he was gone. I could hear Charlie's keys in the door, and with a sigh, I made my way downstairs.

"Hey, Charlie." I murmured, half smiling, not really knowing how to behave around him. He looked like he'd aged ten years overnight.

"Hey, Bells." He murmured, hanging up his coat. "What's for dinner?" I opened and closed my mouth like a fish, realising I'd been too preoccupied to even think about food. Until then, I hadn't even realised I was hungry, but now I was aware of it, my stomach gurgled loudly. I clasped my hands over it and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry, I completely forgot - I've been with Jacob all day, I only just got back and I -"

"Don't worry kid, I know. Billy said. We'll order in pizza." Charlie ruffled my hair and walked past me towards the phone. I sighed and put my hair back into place. At least he didn't seem to suspect anything, even though to me I felt like I had the day's events tattooed on my forehead for the whole world to see. I followed Charlie in towards the living room and wondered if I should make conversation. I switched on the TV and when Charlie was done ordering, he came in and sat in an armchair, eyes fixed on the screen. Like me, he was comfortable in silence. I decided to make the most of it and I let myself relax.

After the pizza, I had been drifting off on the couch, and so Charlie didn't bat an eyelid when I said I was going to catch an early night. He grunted goodnight and I made my way upstairs, getting ready for bed. I climbed in and was asleep in moments.

I didn't wake till the morning, and all night I had vivid dreams of being in a fire, but a very, very pleasant fire that licked my body with its flames, and was comforting, and warm, and orange and red. When I showered the next morning, there was a lovebite on my hip that hadn't been there when I'd gone to sleep; that's how I knew Jacob had been with me.

A sweater hid the hickey, but I felt like Jacob had done it to personally spite Edward - the kind of bite that Edward wouldn't ever give.

***A/N I realise this chapter is incredibly short, hence why I put off posting it for so long. However, I decided that it was time to move on with the story, and so I decided that I would put it up, but would also write another chapter immediately so that you didn't feel too cheated. Enjoy the double update ****J*******


	11. Sloth, Gluttony, Greed and Lust

***A/N Smut alert! Just thought I should warn you all, in case you're uncomfortable with it :-)***

All that day I was restless. I cleaned my room meticulously and even moved the furniture around. I drove to the store to buy loads of junk food I didn't want. I flicked from channel to channel on TV, finding everything mind numbingly boring. Nothing could stop me from fidgeting. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to see Jake, but something was niggling at me not to. I was sort of pissed off about the hickey. I was mostly guilty for my conversation with Edward. It didn't even cross my mind to see him. I tried to divert all thoughts away from him, just as I had when he had been gone. I was frustrated with myself. I didn't know what the right thing was any more. I was stuck in a horrid place, torn between two sort-of-boys, both way too good for me, and I couldn't decipher what the right thing was to do, let alone what I _wanted_ to do.

In a matter of days, Jacob had gone from my best friend to an object of lust. I found it incredibly hard to think about anything other than sex when I thought of him. Just the image of the perfect contours of his russet torso sent shivers down my spine and created a surge of electricity in my more intimate areas.

And then there was Edward, the one I had believed to be my soul mate. The one who had crushed me totally, and yet all he had to do was come back and apologise and I was head over heels again. It was impossible to weigh out the pros and cons, when both had way too many pros and nowhere near enough cons. Jacob had never hurt me, but there was just something missing with him that I had with Edward. Then again, there was something missing between Edward and I that I had with Jake; something he had said he would be willing to try, which would put him in the lead … although if the toss up was made on ability in bed alone, not only would that put me to an all time low, it would make things even harder. I knew I wanted them both. The new found woman in me stirred lustfully every time I let myself fantasise about either.

I lay back on the sofa, stretching out lazily and trying to relax. I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, and as I let myself daydream illicitly, my hand found its way under my shirt and moved softly across my stomach. I sighed gently and moved further south, teasing myself over the thin material of my underwear. I thought of Jake, and of Edward, and both caused a mini earthquake in the deepest pit of my stomach.

I was brought to my senses when a pair of cold lips pressed to the side of my neck and made me gasp aloud. I sat up abruptly and felt myself blush furiously as Edward smiled his beautiful crooked smile and smirked at me.

"Having a nice afternoon?" He asked quietly, moving swiftly so that suddenly he was sitting where I had been and I was perched on his lap. He wound his arms around me and pulled me towards him, saving me the embarrassment of having to answer his question. He kissed me gently, slowly opening his mouth to mine and licking my lower lip. I was already turned on to the extremes and this wasn't helping. I fidgeted slightly, the uncomfortable wetness between my legs screaming to be seen to.

"I shouldn't have interrupted, but you're just too irresistible not to …" He murmured into me as our lips collided. I was quickly forgetting the humiliation of him finding me in a private moment and I put my legs either side of him so that I was straddling him. I pushed myself down on him and was all the more turned on by feeling something very hard underneath me. I ground against him slightly and was delighted to hear a small moan escape his lips. I planted small kisses down the side of his face and sucked slightly on his neck. I felt his arms tighten around me and was all the more aroused.

His hands snaked up the back of my shirt and found their way to the front, drawing small circles around my stomach and moving gradually to my bra, which Edward proceeded to stroke slightly, sending me all the more wild because I was craving his touch, skin on skin. He moved his hands to the back and popped the clasp, freeing me slightly. He went back to the front and this time slid his hands over my bare chest, playing with my nipples and turning me on so much I could have climaxed right there.

"I think we should move upstairs." He muttered breathlessly into my ear. I didn't want to move at all but I nodded anyway, and allowed him to lead the way tantalisingly slow, which was tormenting compared to his usual superhuman speed. He pushed me to the wall outside my bedroom, and removed my top and bra, proceeding to plant kisses from my neck right down to my stomach, which was so close to where I was dying to be touched. He breathed in slightly and I instantly blushed, knowing his vampiric senses were probably stinging with the scent of my arousal. He looked up at me with his eyes incredibly black, and yet, I wanted him all the more.

***A/N Feel free to give honest opinions! I'm never 100% sure where I want this story to go, although I'm 90% sure of my ending. Just hang in there! All suggestions and ideas are welcome, I'm genuinely writing this story because knowing that people enjoy reading it makes me incredibly happy, so I want to make it as comfortable to as many readers as possible! Thank you so much for the constant kindness and patience. It is really, really appreciated. x***


	12. Blind Spot

***A/N I'm so sorry for the delay. I wrote this over a month ago but was far too unhappy with it to publish it. However, a month of writer's block has sent me into desperation and so I decided that, for now, this will have to do. You readers have been so incredibly kind to me, and yet I have a plea - please, please, please help me cure my writer's block! I need inspiration. The past month has been crazy with college work but it's eased up a little now and so I want to get back into this … and I would love any idea or suggestion you have, no matter how big, small, or ridiculous! Please - I'm desperate. Thank you so much. xx***

I was on the brink of asphyxiation I was so turned on by Edward, and so I almost didn't hear his quiet mumble.

"Not again." His velvet voice usually melted me, but it was stained with disgust. I instantly came down from my high and looked down at him, his hands at the top of my waistband. It took a second to register, but then I realised he was face to face with Jacob's hickey. I wanted to murder Jacob.

"No, Edward, honestly, this time -"

"Last night?! Last _night_ Bella?!" Edward was pacing along my hall. I quickly scurried downwards and pulled my shirt over my head, feeling overly exposed all of a sudden. "Last night, after we talked. After we said we'd try - do you realise what that meant for me? Are you honestly that selfish?" I crumbled; the one time I actually hadn't done it, and he'd caught me out.

"Look, Edward, nothing happened. I woke up with it, honestly! He must have come in my sleep!"

"You think I'm going to believe that?" Edward looked near enough close to killing me. He was certainly restraining himself - that much was obvious from the distance and the clenched fists. "I could kill him." He murmured, resuming his pacing. I stood frozen to the spot, not knowing what to do, when Edward stopped all of a sudden, and slid out his tiny phone, which had obviously been going off in his pocket.

"Hello?" He murmured. He started mumbling too quickly and quietly for my pathetic human ears and just as I was getting impatient with standing around doing nothing, he was done. I looked at him expectantly. "Alice." He stated simply. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't.

"And?" He watched me carefully.

"She's coming soon. And she's not alone." Instantly my heart froze to ice, knowing what would be waiting for me. Soon. _Soon._

"How soon?" I asked quietly, feeling the goosebumps raise on my arms.

"Not definite. But soon." We stood watching each other closely.

"What's going to happen?" I murmured, not meeting his eyes any more.

"Alice can't see. So, you'll be with the wolves." I flinched at this, and forced myself to look at him again. I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, and wished that I'd put my bra back on to hide my painfully obvious erect nipples from the cold. Edward hadn't noticed, his eyes were boring into mine.

"And what does that mean?" I managed to ask.

"I think it means you've made your choice."


	13. Intuition

***A/N Well, I almost take back what I just said … but not quite! My writer's block has been incredibly awful, and yet, once I made myself just start typing, this sort of happened … it's not long, but I think it might make for an interesting twist. Let me know what you think. And the previous still applies … I still hate the previous chapter, only now at least I feel like it can sort of work as part of the whole, despite being tiny and awful and ill-formed. Thanks again. I hope the double update makes up a little for my absence. Tinkk x***

Whatever decision I was apparently going to make, it was far from my head as I hopped into my truck and slammed the gas as hard as I could. I probably wasn't safe to drive - I felt like I was about to hyperventilate, though I couldn't exactly work out why. I drove like that for a couple of hours, until eventually my truck was groaning so hard I pulled over out of concern for it … that, and I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn't remember how to breathe. I wasn't entirely sure where this weird feeling had come from, but it felt like everything was wrong. I wasn't sure from where the problems were arising … did I feel horrible about Edward or Jacob? Or both? Was this selfish regret? Or was it just that I couldn't decide?

It wasn't having your cake and eating it too … it was having two of the best cakes created, and eating them without any damage ever coming to them … magic cakes. What an appropriate metaphor. Edward had always scorned upon the way I viewed his world as magical … he saw himself as a monster. It was way too clear to me now, though. I was the monster in this fairy story. The wicked witch who collected the boys and stolen their souls … or something along those lines.

I slid over to the passenger seat and curled up. Then I lay down, trying to get as comfortable as possible in the less than spacious front of my vehicle. It was useless. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I knew Charlie would be worried, and maybe Edward, and definitely Jake … but I couldn't face going home, not knowing what would be waiting for me there.

It suddenly occurred to me that maybe my safety was the issue here. I knew full well that there were less than friendly folk out there looking for me … Victoria wanted to tear me apart, mate for mate. I shuddered at this idea, although part of me questioned how much Edward would care, now that I'd ruined everything again. Maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe I was supposed to be with Jacob.

I winced as I considered this option. As I considered that either of them were my soul mate. I felt like I wanted more choice, even though picking between two now was killing me. Was it that I simply didn't know enough boys - normal boys - to be sure what I was looking for?

I slid up and restarted my engine as an idea pooled, beginning to twist and take form as I considered this notion. I'd taken up reckless activity to hear Edward's voice again recently enough. What if I took up reckless activity for the sake of being reckless? I quickly checked my reflection in the interior mirror, before pulling away from the side of the road. I didn't look _that_ bad. Sure, my hair was still messy, my small amount of make up smudged … but this could be seen as endearing, maybe _sexy_, right? I'd run out of the house after Edward's revelation, without stopping to put a bra on. I glanced down at myself. It was painfully obvious. I chewed my lip and thought about it. What if - just what if - I were to have one crazy night out on my own, as a big bad girl? I was eighteen after all … and right now, I was pretty sure I could pass for older, if I had the right attitude at least.

I headed toward Port Angeles, with an idea forming. Surely something interesting would come of it.


	14. Blue Moon

It took all the bravery I could summon to drag myself out of the truck. I shivered, the crisp night air circling me. I silently thanked God for me having left a jacket in there a few days ago. It was only thin, but if it weren't for that, I'd have been walking around in just a shirt. The rain was drizzling lightly, and I knew it wasn't going to help my untamed hair. I ran my hands through the tangles, in an attempt to make it look at least a little better. No such luck. It had a mind of its own. With the failed attempt, I settled for ruffling it up purposely in stead, and I faked confidence with a strut that I hoped looked at least a little endearing.

The first place I tried to get into had a massive guy with dark hair and a goatee on the door. He sneered at me while asking for my ID. I faked looking for it and turned away apologetically, thinking my plan was foiled before it had begun. This was the same story with three more places, until eventually I found a small bar that didn't have any one on the door.

The heat when I walked in was amazing against my cold skin. I shrugged myself out of my jacket and took in my surroundings. The place was basically empty, with a couple of guys in leathers playing pool in one end, a woman dressed way too much for such a small place sat at the bar, and a couple in a corner, holding hands and whispering intently to each other. They didn't appear to notice that their touchy-feely connection was incredibly out of place.

I made my way towards the bar, a couple of stools up from the overdressed woman. I scrambled up on to a seat and took a quick glance at the drinks menu. Other than a bit of wine with the odd meal, or eggnog at Christmas, drinking was something I never really did. I didn't have much money so I decided to opt for whatever was cheapest.

"What'll it be honey?" A raspy voice asked pleasantly enough. I looked up and jumped slightly as an incredibly obvious transvestite peered at me through his bright pink false eyelashes. I read the cheapest thing off the menu, not sure if I was pronouncing it right. The bar tender grinned at me and served me up.

I sniffed the glass, not sure what to think. I hastily took a sip, and was instantly repulsed. My throat burned in protest as I swallowed as quickly as I could. The bar tender laughed at me and passed me a funny blue coloured liquid.

"Try this sugar, it's much sweeter. On the house." I smiled and tried this new drink, which was indeed far nicer. My head already felt lighter.

This continued for another half hour; idle chatter with the bar tender and timid sipping, until I found myself giggling as I held on to the edge of the bar to stay upright. The overdressed woman glanced sideways at me through heavily outlined eyes.

"You should be careful around here, you know. A pretty little thing like you on her own." She muttered a little dryly, sipping her wine and looking away again. I wrinkled my brow at her and turned back to the bar, taking no notice. The transvestite - who had introduced him/herself as Val, winked at me and grinned.

"Take no notice sugar, Lizzie's just bitter cos she's getting no work tonight." 'Lizzie' scowled at Val and looked back at me, judging my reaction. I just nodded understandingly, before realising a second later that Lizzie was obviously a prostitute. My eyes bulged and I took another swig of my drink - back to the cheaper one now; having had two of the blue magic elixirs, the original didn't burn me so much. I was quite enjoying the lazy dizzy feeling.

"Look, Val, that's no way to talk about a friend." Lizzie hissed. "Don't you go judging me, kid." She murmured, with a dark look towards me. I shook my head.

"N-noooo of course not!" I stammered quickly, nervous all of a sudden. I chanced a look at the clock and saw that it was after 11. People would definitely be worrying about me now, but I was in no state to drive. I bit my lip and puzzled this for a moment, before Val interrupted my thoughts.

"Hey, this place is kinda dead tonight, ladies, are we feeling a bit of karaoke?" At first I shook my head desperately, but Val dragged me up to a make-shift stage and passed me a microphone. I knew the song as soon as it started playing … A Whitney number! As if! I wasn't exceptionally good at anything - let alone _singing_, but I felt dizzy enough not to care, so I wiggled about and got into the swing of things - besides, at this point, the only people still in the bar were a prostitute, a transvestite and one lone leather guy. I sang my heart out, and really acted up with it, throwing my arms around in the air, and bursting into fits of giggles, and by the end of it, Edward and Jacob were both far from my mind.


	15. Nothing Personal

It was very easy to forget about the time when I was having so much fun. Val proved incredible company, and even Lizzie cheered up a bit, after being forced to belt out Hey Mickey! Of course, forgetting about the boys couldn't last too long, and it wasn't long before I was opening my heart to the 'ladies', missing out key details (like the fact that both of my men were mythical creatures).

"So, then Edward LEAVES me - _leaves me_! Know why? Because he thinks he's _bad_ for me -"

"Uh oh! The classic - it's not you, it's me." Val interrupted suddenly with a heartfelt smile. She patted me on the arm. "Boy haven't I been there."

"Haven't we all?" Lizzie agreed, patting my other arm.

"Okay, right, so then, Jacob, my best friend - well, we end up - _you know_ -"

"Boy, haven't I been there too!" Val interrupted again, and both her and Lizzie burst into laughter. I scrunched my face at the uncomfortable mental images.

"Carry on Binkie." Lizzie said, smiling. She and Val erupted into drunken laughter.

"Binkie!" They repeated again and again until tears ran down their cheeks. I giggled a little, their laughing contagious, but I was more irritated from the interruption; I'd been hoping on normal advice to an abnormal situation, not ridiculous pet names.

"RIGHT, so anyway - then Edward comes back! And now it's a mess, and I keep going between the two."

"You go girl." Val pushed me slightly and winked at me. "Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen!"

"No, I can't do that, I love them both far too much." I protested, swatting her arm away.

"Love? What's love got to do with anything?" Lizzie asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Well … everything! Love is … is … wow. Love is wow. Love is a big wow." I mumbled drunkenly, frowning and haphazardly trying to string my sentences together. "Haven't you ever been in love?"

"Never got me anywhere." Lizzie mumbled as she stuffed her mouth full with bar nuts.

"Val?" I looked at her questioningly. Val shrugged.

"I'm more fatalistic than that sugar pie, live for the moment! You're only young once kid, you want to try living it up a little. Trade that big ol' head on such young shoulders for a bubblegum machine!" I shook my head and tapped the table in frustration - a physical pattern to try and arrange my mental thoughts.

"Nope. Nope, nope, no can do. Not gonna happen. It's far too complicated for that. I want to have my cake and eat it too."

"Then sugar, have two cakes. Have twenty. Hell, nibble the lot and keep baking more!" Val nudged me again. I rubbed at my arm, sure I was going to bruise - I always did.

"Right. That doesn't help me at all." I stated, taking another swig of a free drink.

"Neither does this blesséd little poison you've been glugging all night, and yet here we are." Lizzie toasted me and winked. "To youth, and beauty, and doing whatever the fuck we want!"

"I'll drink to that!" Val applauded, clinking our glasses together.

"Amen." I mumbled, lazily clinking back, with my mind elsewhere. I was starting to worry about getting home now. I knew I had to leave soon - it was already past closing, we three were the last ones left in the bar. I was just about to say my goodbyes when a cold gust of wind blew in and raised goosebumps all over me. How had some one opened the locked door? I turned around and was greeted by the pleasant surprise of Jacob, all six-foot-God-knows-what of him, and an instant wave of relief washed over me.

"Jake!" I jumped up and ran to him, expecting him to hold me back. He didn't.

"Hey Binkie, you gonna introduce us to your friend who just broke my door?" Val called.

"I think it's a bit late, I'm taking Bella home." Jake boomed, pushing me away from him. Ever so gently, but nevertheless. I tried to hold his hand but found it was shaking - he must have been trying incredibly hard not to phase. I gulped and looked up at him.

"Jake?" I tried to reach to him again but staggered, the alcohol taking its toll on me. Jake locked my tiny wrists in his enormous russet hands and steadied me as I almost fell. "Whoops." I mumbled.

"Have you been _drinking_?" He scorned at me in disgust. "Let's get you home."

I waved a sad goodbye at Val and Lizzie, who waved back.

"See you around Binkie." Lizzie slurred.

"Come back soon kid." Val chirped in, grinning at me. "And bring your hunk of chunk man friend here, mmhm."

When we got outside the cold overtook me and I started shivering, still in my tiny t-shirt, and having long forgotten ever bringing a jacket with me, let alone picking it up. Jake pulled me to his chest but not lovingly - just for warmth. Even so I wrapped my arms around his bulk and nestled my head in.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked worriedly, like a little kid who ate the last cookie that wasn't theirs.

"Big time." Jake stated, dragging me along to his car.


	16. Bumpy Ride

**A/N: Guess who's back! I'm really sorry for the delay. Over December my grandfather was really ill and we lost him in January, which wasn't the easiest thing to deal with. Then I had exams and my internet broke for a couple of months, and I just got it back today, so I'm really sorry but I'm going to try to update much more! Again, I'm not over the moon with this chapter but it's something … Really, really short, but something. Thank you so much to those of you that have been messaging me and asking for more, the encouragement has actually made me want to write again. Enjoy!**

My eyes felt heavy as I forced them open. It was still dark. My stomach lurched as I sat up quickly, realising I was moving. How bizarre. I squinted and relaxed when I acknowledged that I was in Jake's car.

"Phew." I muttered happily, laying back down on the back seat, trying to ignore the growing nausea.

"You're drunk Bella." He stated, emotionless. He was staring at the road ahead, but I was wishing that he would glance back at me or something. His eyes reflected in the mirror were unmoving, and he was breathing deeply. Probably trying not to get crazy mad and tear me to pieces.

"I guess that's true." I replied softly, not ready to argue yet.

"You just have to keep making things worse, don't you?" He sighed. He finally glanced back at me in the mirror, and he looked a little less angry now.

"I swear I don't do it on purpose." I mumbled pathetically, wondering how it was that I always got myself into these stupid situations.

"You just attract trouble."

"You _are_ trouble." I argued back, well aware it wasn't really an adequate response, but it was the best I could do.

"I attract you?" He smirked at me now, and my heart felt lighter suddenly, seeing a potential way to get him out of his bad mood. I wasn't looking forward to being in trouble.

"You. You're like. Wow. You're like wow. You, are the cheese to my macaroni you know." I hitched myself up and dangled myself off the side of his seat, my drunken breath grazing his cheek and causing him to wrinkle his nose and push me back. I crawled up again, relentless. "You're the crust to my pizza."

"You're the gasoline to my fire, so if you don't want to get into even bigger trouble, I suggest you shut up before I go ablaze." I leaned back in my seat and pouted.

"You're the Romeo to my Juliet." I mumbled, using the analogy I'd always saved for Edward and I. Jacob glanced at me in the mirror and sighed.

"Go to sleep Bella."

"But I'm almost home!"

"You're better off not being conscious when you see Charlie. Go to sleep."

"Fine." I flopped down in resignation and closed my eyes, letting the alcohol fog my brain and melt into submission. Bliss.


End file.
